


When I Was Stronger

by aflawedfashion



Series: Moving Forward - Amanda & Irisa Post-Season 3 [2]
Category: Defiance (TV)
Genre: Female Friendship, Friendship, Gen, Post-Series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-29
Updated: 2017-08-29
Packaged: 2018-12-21 05:40:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11937486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aflawedfashion/pseuds/aflawedfashion
Summary: The Amazing Goddess of the Badlands inspired awe and terror, but Irisa Nolan was not a legendary character. She was simply a quiet young woman struggling to find her place in the world, struggling to understand why she couldn’t force herself to be a legend.





	When I Was Stronger

They called her the Amazing Goddess of the Badlands, the legendary woman who destroyed the Earth Republic, obliterated hellbugs, and raced into a Volge army. 

Fearless. 

Gorgeous. 

Fictional. 

That character inspired awe and terror, but Irisa Nolan was not a legendary character. She was simply a quiet young woman struggling to find her place in the world, struggling to understand why she couldn’t force herself to be a legend - not the legend from a trashy novel, but a true legend.

Legends saved people, but no matter how hard Irisa tried, she failed them.

Another day. Another criminal to stop. She ran through the streets of Defiance, her heart pounding as she swore to herself that she would get it right. She would catch her target and make Amanda proud. 

Irisa’s target ducked under an awning, but she followed with ease. She was an expert tracker, trained by the best. 

Her confidence soared as she pulled the gun from her holster. 

“Stop!” she yelled, but he kept running without so much as a glance in her direction.

She lifted her arm, her feet still propelling her forward. All she needed to do was pull the trigger. One shot in the leg and he’d fall to the ground. She didn’t even need to kill him.

One simple motion.

She should be able to do it in her sleep.

Her heart raced, but her body felt like it was caught in quicksand. 

Without warning, Irisa stopped moving, her feet immobilized, but her target kept running.

“Stop!” She yelled again, knowing it was pointless.

Her trigger finger refused to move move, but it didn’t matter. He was already gone.

Irisa’s arm dropped to her side as she became painfully aware of the confused faces around her. Every person on the street had trained their worried eyes on her, but she didn’t care about them. Only one person mattered - the woman who gave her this job, the woman who trusted her when she had no reason to. 

Fighting back tears, Irisa began the shameful walk to Amanda’s office.

Irisa Nolan was not the Amazing Goddess of the Badlands. She was a failure.

\--

Irisa replayed every step, counting every misstep as she silently entered the mayor’s office. She watched Amanda cross the room to her drink cart, her stomach twisting into a knot. The worst part of her repeated failure was reporting it to Amanda. 

All she wanted to do was make her proud, make her happy, but with her long blonde hair tied in a tight braid, Amanda seemed so much less approachable than she did when she wore her braid loose. Irisa continued watching her as she prepared her scotch, wondering if that's how she wanted people to react to her, if she wanted them to stay away. 

Irisa opened her mouth to speak, but no words came out. Was there a good way to start this conversation? She took a heavy step, hoping Amanda would notice her.

Amanda looked up from her scotch, asking the question Irisa dreaded. “How did it go?”

“He got away.”

Amanda nodded, setting the bottle down. “What happened?” she asked without a hint of emotion in her voice. Amanda simply took a sip from her glass, waiting for Irisa to answer, unaware of how the unsurprised look on her face hit Irisa like a knife.

“I didn’t pull the trigger.” Irisa knew there was no point in making up an excuse, no point in telling the rest of the story. Amanda already knew why she didn’t pull the trigger. The details didn’t matter when the reason was always the same.

“Any idea where he went?” Amanda asked. Irisa could see the wheels turning inside Amanda’s head. She was already forming a plan to fix Irisa’s mistakes, already accepting that Irisa had failed her. Next she’d tell her to take Berlin, a woman who could actually do her job, and track him down. 

“No,” Irisa said, forcing herself to admit to even more failure. “I didn’t see where he went.”

“That’s ok.” As Amanda looked to the side, finalizing whatever plan she had thought up, Irisa shifted her feet, impatiently anticipating her next words. “There has to be some evidence of what he was doing. Why don’t you and Ber-”

“Why aren’t you mad at me?” Irisa interrupted. She couldn’t pretend this was acceptable. “I failed you. Again. I keep failing you, and you keep letting me.”

Amanda took a deep breath, letting Irisa’s question hang uncomfortably in the air. “You didn’t fail me,” she said as she let out the breath. She took another sip from her glass before walking to her sofa with the wave of a hand signaling for Irisa to follow her. “I can't be mad at you when you didn't fail me.” 

“A criminal is walking the streets because I couldn’t shoot him,” Irisa said as she sat on the sofa across from Amanda, deliberately keeping her distance. “That’s the definition of failure.”

“You failed to catch this criminal, but you didn’t fail  _ me _ .” Amanda flashed a sweet smile that held such genuine kindness Irisa felt compelled to look away. “You’ve made arrests, patrolled the streets, stopped other criminals. I know you’re struggling with the more violent aspects of the job, and I understand. You've had a bad couple of years. I don’t expect you to get over than instantly.”

“We’ve all had a bad couple of years. You still get up every day and do your job. Don’t make excuses for me.” Irisa’s anger with herself was becoming overwhelming, her voice rising with every word. “Clearly my best isn’t good enough.”

“Your best is all I ask of you.”

“Don’t do this.” Irisa shook her head. “I know you only gave me this badge because my father is still missing. He’s the one you want standing here, but I’m the closest thing you can find. I don’t know why you won't admit it, but you still think that he’s going to walk through those doors one of these days, and you’ll give his badge back to him.” Tears were forming in Irisa’s eyes as she nearly shouted each word. “You’re waiting for him, but you still need someone to do his job. I’m not that person. I can’t do it. Nolan and Berlin are good at this, but I’m not. You should hire someone else to be lawkeeper, someone more like them.”

“I don't want to hire someone new.”

“Amanda!” Irisa shouted.

“What?” Amanda snapped like she was talking to an insolent child. 

“Fire me,” Irisa demanded.

“No.” 

Irisa took a knife out of her holster, slamming it into Amanda’s coffee table. “Fire me!”

“No,” Amanda repeated, completely unphased by Irisa’s actions.

Irisa leaned back into the leather sofa, caught off guard by Amanda’s non-reaction. She wasn’t trying to scare her. She wasn’t sure what she was trying to do, but she figured whatever it was would have gotten her fired.

Amanda arched an eyebrow, looking up from the knife that stood tall with it’s tip wedged into her coffee table. “Are you done?”

“Yes,” Irisa said sheepishly.

“Good. Now let me say this again.” Amanda leaned forward, her words crisp and clear. “I want  _ you _ as my lawkeeper.”

“It doesn’t matter if that’s what you want,” Irisa said. “You  _ need _ someone else. You don't have to do this out of misguided obligation to my father. You can fire me. He won't drop out of the sky to ask why you didn't take better care of me.”

Amanda smiled into her glass. “If I thought that would happen, I'd fire you right now.”

“So we agree.”

“No.” Amanda tilted her head the side, her smile growing. “That was a joke. I'm not firing you. Not now, not after you’ve come so far.” She got up and sat beside Irisa. “And you're still young. You'll figure it out. Look at how much you've changed since I’ve known you.”

Irisa looked down at her hands. “I’ve changed, but not all for the better. I used to be able to fight anyone. I used to be stronger.”

“You stabbed my table in the middle of this conversation.” Amanda gestured towards the knife. “I think that temperamental girl who held a knife to my doctor the first day she entered my town is still in there.”

“I don’t just want the temper back. I want the strength.”

Amanda placed her hand over Irisa’s, her well manicured nails contrasting against Irisa’s short, plain nails. “You're still so strong, Irisa.” She paused, looking into Irisa's eyes. “Stronger than ever.”

“What if I can never shoot someone again?”

“I wish I could tell you that doesn’t matter, that you’d never need to pick up a gun again.” 

“But I will. I can’t protect myself, and I can’t protect this town if I hesitate when someone pulls a gun on me.”

“I know,” Amanda said. “But I’m not giving up on you.”

“I don’t even trust my own instincts anymore.”

“I do.” 

“Why?”

“Because I know you, Irisa. You’re so much more than you’re giving yourself credit for.”

“Thank you,” Irisa said, comforted by Amanda’s words even though she didn’t fully believe them. “But I don’t know how to regain that confidence in myself.”

Amanda nodded. “Until you feel confident, keep Berlin with you. She enjoys pulling a gun on a criminal.”

“What if I never feel confident again?”

“You will.” She squeezed Irisa's hand. “I know you will.”

Irisa let out a sigh of defeat. “But until then I’m the useless tag along.”

“No, Berlin needs someone to balance her out, to stop her from going too far. I knew what I was doing when I made you two partners. It wasn’t just out of desperation or loyalty to your father.”

“Am I hearing things, or did someone say my name?” Berlin asked as she walked into the room.

Amanda looked up, meeting Berlin’s gaze with a smile. “We were just talking about a case I’m putting you two on.” 

“Please tell me it’s better than tracking a raccoon because I spent all morning tracking a raccoon.” Berlin paused, dramatically pushing the hair out of her face. “He fought dirty, but I won.”

“Much better than a raccoon.” Amanda gave Irisa's hand a final, reassuring squeeze as she stood up. “A real, human criminal with a gun.”

“Exactly what I need,” Berlin said, her eyes lighting up. “When do we start?”

“Now.” Irisa pulled her knife out of the table. “I need to catch this guy.”

Berlin furrowed her eyebrows. “Why is your knife in Amanda’s coffee table?”

“Don’t ask,” Irisa said.

“How am I supposed to just let that go?”

“Just do,” Irisa said, turning to leave Amanda’s office

“Yeah, that’s not happening.”


End file.
